As all who read this blog or know me well are aware, a lot has happened since Ryder and I got married. He got extremely sick and his body stopped functioning properly, which also led to the possibility of infertility. We went through a lot together and God has used all of it to strengthen our marriage in amazing ways. We are SO close and grow closer every day! I am so thankful for that.
Now, things are much better, as far as we know. Ryder has his first doctor's appointment in three months tomorrow, so hopefully the doctor will confirm that things are much better. We are so thankful for that as well...
But now I'm the one not dealing with things well.
Throughout Ryder's sickness, I was able to stay really strong. As soon as things got considerably better, I suddenly felt the deep emotions of all that had happened. There are a lot of deep emotions to feel when your wonderful husband of about a month or two is extremely sick AND you find out you might not be able to have children with him. Hence, I've been dealing with depression for a couple months now. There have been days when I have not gotten out of bed, left the house, or done much of anything at all. My responsibilities were extremely overwhelming and still are at times. But finally, last week, I decided to be honest and ask for help with all I've been going through. It was hard and is hard every day, but I already feel so much better in a matter of one week because I allowed people to know what was going on and allowed myself to accept help.
So, really, I'm writing this blog because I want to be honest about what I'm dealing with. I start counseling tomorrow morning and I am looking forward to talking to someone outside of the situation. I'm looking forward to talking with someone who won't demean the situation by trying to make me feel better...I just want someone outside the situation to validate that it's okay for me to feel the way I do about all the things that have happened. I think it will be good.
I also want anyone who reads this blog and is dealing with some really hard life situations to consider going to counseling now before you get to the point that I was and am at. Wise people told me to talk with someone throughout Ryder's sickness, but I chose not to because I was the strong one and I didn't need to. But I should have and I am now.
SO, don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to go to counseling even if you think you don't need it at the moment. And know that you are not alone...that is just what the depression tells you. There are always people out there who have your back and understand where you are coming from. Don't shut yourself away from life because life is going to happen whether you like it or not. It is your responsibility to help yourself and do what it takes to live your life to the fullest, just as Jesus did for us. He will get you through, like He is getting me through, and you will feel so much better if you just take it one day at a time :)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Incredible Blessings of Babies
I've been told countless times how we don't need to have a baby right now. I've been told that I don't really want a baby right now. I feel like I've been told how I'm supposed to feel about the whole topic of children at the current moment...
Well...guess what? I want a baby. I want a baby now. That does not mean that now is God's time for us to have children, but I do want a child and nothing is going to change that. I've wanted to be a mother my entire life and would love nothing more than to have a child with my husband. I would have a baby NOW and be the happiest person alive! I know that having a child changes your life and is not easy...but for someone who has always wanted to spend her life as a wife and mother, the rewards of living out that purpose far outweigh the hardships I might come against as a mother.
But you know what people would say if I got pregnant right now? People would say that we're making a mistake. People would say that I should have waited to finish school. People would say that I'm too young. Basically, people would say the same things that they said when we got engaged...and that kills me. I know that eventually everyone would be happy about the new life coming into the world, but our pregnancy wouldn't be looked upon joyfully at the beginning.
I don't think that's okay. Ryder and I are married. We're in love. We want to be parents. To know that it would be upsetting to some if we got pregnant before a specific time is very upsetting to me. First of all, Ryder and I have started our own family and it is up to the Lord and us as to when we begin to grow our family. That does not mean we plan to start it during college, but what if we did? It would be wonderful because we'd be adding a new member to our family! Secondly, education is very important and you really cannot work without it. However, my desire has never been to have a career...my desire has always been to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. I am in college right now because I believe it is where I need to be and I should have a degree in case I need to work...but that does not mean that I would ever choose college over having a child. In fact, I think I'm one of those girls who could attend college and have a child. It is possible and many people do it all the time. After all, I do have a full schedule and work two official jobs (although Ryder claims I work three with as much I do for youth group and children's church). I've proven myself to be a strong, determined young lady and I feel demeaned every time someone tells me it would be a mistake to have a child right now because I could not finish college. I WOULD finish college. I would do what it takes to make sure that I could have a steady job if I ever needed to take on that role within our family. And all that leads me to when people say that I'm too young...I was too young to get married and I'm too young to have a baby. Well, like I've said, I think Ryder and I have both proven ourselves to not be your average 19 and 20 year old. We work, go to school, are dealing will illness, and we still have our heads on straight and are walking tall, thanks to the Lord. As far as physically, I'm at the prime time to have a healthy, successful pregnancy. As far as everything else, I know that God would provide for us, I know that I would LOVE to be a mother, and I know that I would finally feel like I'm actually fulfilling a Godly purpose for my life.
All that being said, I don't know when God will bless us with children. But I do know that it would break my heart if people weren't happy for us. It would break my heart if people looked down on us or felt like our lives were over. Not only would it hurt my heart, but I would feel insulted as well. It is a God-given desire that I have within my heart to become a mother and whenever that happens, God should be praised. I just hope that He is by everyone in our lives when He decides to give us a child.
And I do want a baby...whenever God sees fit, whether that be a year from now or 10 years from now.
Expression of opinion over :) Thanks for reading!
Lots of Love,
LEW
Well...guess what? I want a baby. I want a baby now. That does not mean that now is God's time for us to have children, but I do want a child and nothing is going to change that. I've wanted to be a mother my entire life and would love nothing more than to have a child with my husband. I would have a baby NOW and be the happiest person alive! I know that having a child changes your life and is not easy...but for someone who has always wanted to spend her life as a wife and mother, the rewards of living out that purpose far outweigh the hardships I might come against as a mother.
But you know what people would say if I got pregnant right now? People would say that we're making a mistake. People would say that I should have waited to finish school. People would say that I'm too young. Basically, people would say the same things that they said when we got engaged...and that kills me. I know that eventually everyone would be happy about the new life coming into the world, but our pregnancy wouldn't be looked upon joyfully at the beginning.
I don't think that's okay. Ryder and I are married. We're in love. We want to be parents. To know that it would be upsetting to some if we got pregnant before a specific time is very upsetting to me. First of all, Ryder and I have started our own family and it is up to the Lord and us as to when we begin to grow our family. That does not mean we plan to start it during college, but what if we did? It would be wonderful because we'd be adding a new member to our family! Secondly, education is very important and you really cannot work without it. However, my desire has never been to have a career...my desire has always been to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. I am in college right now because I believe it is where I need to be and I should have a degree in case I need to work...but that does not mean that I would ever choose college over having a child. In fact, I think I'm one of those girls who could attend college and have a child. It is possible and many people do it all the time. After all, I do have a full schedule and work two official jobs (although Ryder claims I work three with as much I do for youth group and children's church). I've proven myself to be a strong, determined young lady and I feel demeaned every time someone tells me it would be a mistake to have a child right now because I could not finish college. I WOULD finish college. I would do what it takes to make sure that I could have a steady job if I ever needed to take on that role within our family. And all that leads me to when people say that I'm too young...I was too young to get married and I'm too young to have a baby. Well, like I've said, I think Ryder and I have both proven ourselves to not be your average 19 and 20 year old. We work, go to school, are dealing will illness, and we still have our heads on straight and are walking tall, thanks to the Lord. As far as physically, I'm at the prime time to have a healthy, successful pregnancy. As far as everything else, I know that God would provide for us, I know that I would LOVE to be a mother, and I know that I would finally feel like I'm actually fulfilling a Godly purpose for my life.
All that being said, I don't know when God will bless us with children. But I do know that it would break my heart if people weren't happy for us. It would break my heart if people looked down on us or felt like our lives were over. Not only would it hurt my heart, but I would feel insulted as well. It is a God-given desire that I have within my heart to become a mother and whenever that happens, God should be praised. I just hope that He is by everyone in our lives when He decides to give us a child.
And I do want a baby...whenever God sees fit, whether that be a year from now or 10 years from now.
Expression of opinion over :) Thanks for reading!
Lots of Love,
LEW
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A Faithful Messiah
Yesterday during chapel, one of our peers presented a message that highlighted the question of whether we live our lives as if Jesus is faithful to us. Do we live as if we have a faithful Messiah? Do we live as if we know that He will fulfill His promises in our lives? Do we live as if He has our best interests at heart and will provide safety and security through any storm?
The question of whether I live my life believing and acting as if I have a faithful Messiah really got me thinking...
I haven't. So often people say, "Trust the Lord", "God has a plan and purpose in all of this", "God is in control". While I accept all of this as truth in my life, I haven't really been acting as if I have this relationship with the most wonderful person who ever walked this earth, God in the flesh. I have this relationship with Him and He has always and will always take care of me. He is faithful to me even when I am unfaithful to Him. He loves me even when I think things are unfair and turn my back on Him...which I have been doing for the past several months. While I do believe God has taught me a lot in the last few months and I never blatantly turned my back from the Lord, I realize now that I had closed my heart to Him because of the unjust feeling I felt due to Ryder's illness. No matter how many times I told myself that it's all okay and God has a plan, my heart's door remained locked, steadfast, and cold. I'd become increasing selfish, thinking of how unfair this illness is for my husband and myself. And while it might not be fair, did God promise me fairness? No, He did not. As I cried out to Him asking, "Why?" last night, He soothed my soul. I have NO answer as to why everything has happened the way it has. The whole situation is filled with uncertainty. But God soothed my soul and melted my heart before His throne, promising me that everything will be okay and He will use this time in our lives to bring glory to His awesome name. It is not my job to worry about this anymore; it is not my job to dwell on Ryder's illness anymore. It IS my job to enjoy everyday, be thankful for everyday, and spend time with Jesus everyday. It IS my job to serve my husband and love him unconditionally, just as Christ does. It IS my job to take care of my home with joy. What a great reward it is to have a loving Savior who is faithful to me and reminds me that I don't have to carry burdens upon my shoulders!!! He gives me peace in uncertain times, fills me with warmth, and makes my life beautiful.
The question of whether I live my life believing and acting as if I have a faithful Messiah really got me thinking...
I haven't. So often people say, "Trust the Lord", "God has a plan and purpose in all of this", "God is in control". While I accept all of this as truth in my life, I haven't really been acting as if I have this relationship with the most wonderful person who ever walked this earth, God in the flesh. I have this relationship with Him and He has always and will always take care of me. He is faithful to me even when I am unfaithful to Him. He loves me even when I think things are unfair and turn my back on Him...which I have been doing for the past several months. While I do believe God has taught me a lot in the last few months and I never blatantly turned my back from the Lord, I realize now that I had closed my heart to Him because of the unjust feeling I felt due to Ryder's illness. No matter how many times I told myself that it's all okay and God has a plan, my heart's door remained locked, steadfast, and cold. I'd become increasing selfish, thinking of how unfair this illness is for my husband and myself. And while it might not be fair, did God promise me fairness? No, He did not. As I cried out to Him asking, "Why?" last night, He soothed my soul. I have NO answer as to why everything has happened the way it has. The whole situation is filled with uncertainty. But God soothed my soul and melted my heart before His throne, promising me that everything will be okay and He will use this time in our lives to bring glory to His awesome name. It is not my job to worry about this anymore; it is not my job to dwell on Ryder's illness anymore. It IS my job to enjoy everyday, be thankful for everyday, and spend time with Jesus everyday. It IS my job to serve my husband and love him unconditionally, just as Christ does. It IS my job to take care of my home with joy. What a great reward it is to have a loving Savior who is faithful to me and reminds me that I don't have to carry burdens upon my shoulders!!! He gives me peace in uncertain times, fills me with warmth, and makes my life beautiful.
"My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of His servant."
-Luke 1:46-48
Monday, January 30, 2012
Happy Homemaker Monday
My cousin, Bonnie, writes a blog (along with her husband) where she shares some interesting information and the joys of homemaking on Monday. While I don't get to devote as much time to homemaking as I hope to in the future (because of school and work), I still thought it was a fun idea and something to remind me how thankful I am to have a home, a husband, and someday a family to take care of!
The weather:
It's extremely nice outside for the end of January! I needed a coat this morning, but was able to walk to class without one this afternoon :)
On my reading pile:
Honestly, school books and the Bible are on my reading list! I don't, unfortunately, really have time for recreational reading.
On my TV:
The Next Great Baker
On my menu for this week:
Maple-Chili Glazed Pork Medallions with diced, roasted potatoes and salad
On my to-do list:
School reading, tidying up the house, creating lesson plans for Friday co-op
What I am crocheting, knitting, sewing, or creating:
I'm crocheting Ryder another scarf at his request :)
Looking around the house:
I see school books!!!
From the camera:
We finally took down the banner from our rehearsal dinner and added decor to our living room wall! I absolutely love it! The shelves are crate boxes that I bought at Michael's and painted red! I think it turned out great!
Something fun to share:
Today, I got back my first test from my Primary Reading course! I made a 55/55 and my professor wrote "Wow!" next to my score :) Needless to say, I was pleased! haha :)
On my prayer list:
My husband and his continual healing
Two of my cousins and their husbands
Our youth group
Bible verse, devotional:
"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me". ---Mark 9:37
Monday, January 23, 2012
And another semester begins...
Well, since my last update we've been to California and back again, we had Christmas 4 times, we rang in the New Year, and we've started school again! We had an absolutely wonderful Christmas break...and one thing that was SO wonderful about it was the fact that my handsome husband, Ryder, has continued to feel better and stronger all the time. Unfortunately, he is still losing weight but that could have something to do with the medicine he is on currently. He has an appointment this week with a dietician to see if we can figure out what he needs to be eating to put some meat on his bones, so to speak :) He eats TONS now, all healthy, but TONS. Sooo, we'll see what the doctor says and go from there...
As far as his hormone problems, he goes to the doctor at the end of February to get blood work done again and then will meet with the doctor at the beginning of March to go over the results and make a game plan about what we need to do next, if anything. One piece of good news to report is that he is growing hair again, which means that he does have some working testosterone in his body! Praise the Lord for that!!! We don't know how much or how quickly it is being produced, but we do have physical evidence that things are getting better!
School is going well but is SO busy and HEAVY this semester! I even dropped a class (Math) so that I could lighten my load a little bit. Instead of being over full-time this semester, I'm just going with full-time ;) But really, working two jobs and taking the classes I am taking (one that requires 20 hours of practicum) is a lot to do but I am enjoying it so far! :) I absolutely LOVE and ADORE and HAVE SO MUCH FUN teaching for the homeschool co-op! I am so blessed that God allowed me to be involved with and teach a great group of kids this semester. It is such a good experience and such a blessing for me!!!
Other than that, Ryder and I have made our plans and reservations for our First Anniversary trip...but we aren't telling anyone where we are going until we come back! :) It's going to be a surprise for everyone that is interested...and it is going to be so much fun for us! We didn't really have a honeymoon, so this will be our first trip to somewhere new and exciting together!!! :D We are really, REALLY excited!!! (As you can tell :D)
God has been doing some great things for both of us recently and we are so thankful...He is growing us spiritually and healing illness physically. I am so thankful and I am looking forward to growing closer to Him and to my sweet husband during 2012!!! <3
Lots of Love,
LEW
As far as his hormone problems, he goes to the doctor at the end of February to get blood work done again and then will meet with the doctor at the beginning of March to go over the results and make a game plan about what we need to do next, if anything. One piece of good news to report is that he is growing hair again, which means that he does have some working testosterone in his body! Praise the Lord for that!!! We don't know how much or how quickly it is being produced, but we do have physical evidence that things are getting better!
School is going well but is SO busy and HEAVY this semester! I even dropped a class (Math) so that I could lighten my load a little bit. Instead of being over full-time this semester, I'm just going with full-time ;) But really, working two jobs and taking the classes I am taking (one that requires 20 hours of practicum) is a lot to do but I am enjoying it so far! :) I absolutely LOVE and ADORE and HAVE SO MUCH FUN teaching for the homeschool co-op! I am so blessed that God allowed me to be involved with and teach a great group of kids this semester. It is such a good experience and such a blessing for me!!!
Other than that, Ryder and I have made our plans and reservations for our First Anniversary trip...but we aren't telling anyone where we are going until we come back! :) It's going to be a surprise for everyone that is interested...and it is going to be so much fun for us! We didn't really have a honeymoon, so this will be our first trip to somewhere new and exciting together!!! :D We are really, REALLY excited!!! (As you can tell :D)
God has been doing some great things for both of us recently and we are so thankful...He is growing us spiritually and healing illness physically. I am so thankful and I am looking forward to growing closer to Him and to my sweet husband during 2012!!! <3
Lots of Love,
LEW
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