Blessings...

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?  What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" ---Laura Story, "Blessings"

God has used that song in my life like CRAZY this past week!  When I wrote my last blog, this song kept coming to mind...and then Ryder and I went out to run an errand.  Sure enough, what song was playing on the radio as we drove to the gas station?  THIS ONE.  And I cried and cried and cried a little more.  God brought this to mind and played it for me so that I could remember the truth in it's words...sometimes His blessings come through raindrops.  AND He has a really great reason for that.

In 1 Peter, Paul reminds us about trials and God's intention behind suffering:

^"6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 

Although it might not seem fair at the time, God gives us suffering through trials so that we can spiritually mature and grow closer to Him.  Throughout this time, Ryder and I have grown SO much closer to the Lord and to one another.  This trial has been really great for us spiritually and in our marriage.  That's a blessing through raindrops, don't you think? :)

God is really teaching me, specifically, to rely on Him.  I have always been Little Miss "I need to know what is going on, I need to know what to do about it, and I need to fix it".  Well, guess what?  I don't know what is going on, I have no way of knowing what to do about it, and I'm fairly certain I can't fix it.  What I can do is rely on my Father who promises the best for those who love Him!  I can rely on the promise that He will never give me more than I can bear and that He gives suffering to further grow me into the woman He desires me to be.  

I still firmly believe that God will give us a least one child biologically.  But, if He chooses not to, His will is far better than my own and I will trust in Him.  He's also teaching Ryder and I that He wants adoption for our family. More than anything, I think what is happening right now is God's way of cementing our desires to grow our family through adoption.  God has opened our eyes to the fact that many people do not consider adoption as an option for their families.  Throughout this whole experience, I could never bring myself to saying, "But I want to be a mommy SO badly" because I will be a mommy.  Whether I give birth to our babies or not, I will be a mommy.  But lots of people don't feel that way...and that's okay.  After sharing with Ryder, praying, and reading Scripture and numerous accounts of adoption by Christian families, I truly believe that adoption is a special calling and desire that God only gives to a few.  It is an honor to parent a child and it is definitely an honor to adopt a child to parent as well.  After reading through the website for Shaohannah's Hope, an adoption aid organization founded by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, I stumbled upon a very enlightening, beautiful way to view adoption...

God considers us His adopted children.  Numerous times in the New Testament, Paul refers to our "adoption to sonship".  Here is one example from Ephesians:

^"5 he^[a] predestined us for adoption to sonship^[b] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—"

This is why I say that adoption is an honor.  Not everyone feels called to adopt; it is a hard, emotional process to take in a child that does not physically come from you and to love that child the same as if you had carried them within you for nine months.  You're accepting that child as your own, just as God accepts us as His own.  So, what He has shown us through this is that He wants us to adopt because He has designed our hearts to love babies who have no one else to love them; He wants us to love them so that the world can see a testament of His love and adoption of us as His beloved children.

God has taught me a lot recently (as you can tell) and I am beyond thankful.  I know and trust in His teaching and the way He is leading our lives right now...our God is really the best.  There aren't words adequate enough for His description.  

Please continue to pray for us during this time.  Ryder is meeting with his endocrinologist today, so Lord willing we will have some answers soon and it will be something that is easily fixed.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!!!

Lots of Love,

LEW

The depths of despair...

Okay, so maybe things aren't that bad but I felt the need to pay homage to one of my favorite characters of all time: Anne, with an "e", of Green Gables.  Anyways, life has been pretty hard lately.  Thankfully, I can see the hand of God moving throughout all of this but it is still really difficult to go through.  For anyone who might not know the situation, Ryder is having health issues which have caused none of his hormones to work.  I never realized how BIG a role hormones play in our body until Ryder got sick.  Right now, we know that he doesn't have a tumor (praise the Lord), but we have no answers as to why his hormones aren't working.  He has been taking thyroid medication and getting testosterone shots every two weeks and those have been helping him SO much.  But he is still sick, so we are anxiously awaiting answers and results.

One thing that has been weighing heavily on my heart is the fact that we might not be able to have our own children.  Because of Ryder's hormone problem, he is entirely infertile now.  If they are able to completely fix the problem, the doctor said that his fertility would probably become healthy again within 3 to 6 months...but we don't know for sure.  I have tried SO hard to act strong about this and to remember the things I know: God works for the good of those who love Him, He has a beautiful plan for us, and He has purposefully laid a special desire for adoption within my heart.  I know that if we were only able to adopt, those babies would be OUR babies that God designed for OUR family.  Regardless of if we can have our own children, we both have always wanted to adopt so I have absolutely no qualms with raising a family built by adoption.  However, I cannot deny the desire to carry a child within me, give birth to a child, and to know that our child is a result of the beautiful and sacred marriage covenant between Ryder and I.  It hurts.  It hurts really badly to think about not being able to have our own babies.  I'm the girl who has dreamt about how fun it will be to be pregnant and go through that stage in life.  It's such a special thing to carry a baby inside you...that baby is a part of you.  And I might not have that...
I know I would have something just as beautiful in a different way, but that doesn't remove this desire.

So, right now I'm trying to focus on the positive things and to remind myself that God has a glorious plan for us.  Whatever happens will be the perfect thing for our family.  It's really hard to not think about it when I see so many friends who are pregnant or have little ones...it's hard not to think about it when I turn on the TV and see a commercial or show about having a baby.  I feel like this is something that directly attacks an innate, divine desire God places within a woman.  It's just so hard...so, if you read this, please pray for me and pray for Ryder as well.  God has really used this time to strengthen us and our marriage, but we are also having to deal with some very scary, heartbreaking possible realities.

We are so thankful for the support we've received from family, friends and professors.  God has blessed us so much with a community of Christ-following believers who are fervently praying for us.  We're so blessed <3

Lots of Love,
LEW