Okay, so maybe things aren't that bad but I felt the need to pay homage to one of my favorite characters of all time: Anne, with an "e", of Green Gables. Anyways, life has been pretty hard lately. Thankfully, I can see the hand of God moving throughout all of this but it is still really difficult to go through. For anyone who might not know the situation, Ryder is having health issues which have caused none of his hormones to work. I never realized how BIG a role hormones play in our body until Ryder got sick. Right now, we know that he doesn't have a tumor (praise the Lord), but we have no answers as to why his hormones aren't working. He has been taking thyroid medication and getting testosterone shots every two weeks and those have been helping him SO much. But he is still sick, so we are anxiously awaiting answers and results.
One thing that has been weighing heavily on my heart is the fact that we might not be able to have our own children. Because of Ryder's hormone problem, he is entirely infertile now. If they are able to completely fix the problem, the doctor said that his fertility would probably become healthy again within 3 to 6 months...but we don't know for sure. I have tried SO hard to act strong about this and to remember the things I know: God works for the good of those who love Him, He has a beautiful plan for us, and He has purposefully laid a special desire for adoption within my heart. I know that if we were only able to adopt, those babies would be OUR babies that God designed for OUR family. Regardless of if we can have our own children, we both have always wanted to adopt so I have absolutely no qualms with raising a family built by adoption. However, I cannot deny the desire to carry a child within me, give birth to a child, and to know that our child is a result of the beautiful and sacred marriage covenant between Ryder and I. It hurts. It hurts really badly to think about not being able to have our own babies. I'm the girl who has dreamt about how fun it will be to be pregnant and go through that stage in life. It's such a special thing to carry a baby inside you...that baby is a part of you. And I might not have that...
I know I would have something just as beautiful in a different way, but that doesn't remove this desire.
So, right now I'm trying to focus on the positive things and to remind myself that God has a glorious plan for us. Whatever happens will be the perfect thing for our family. It's really hard to not think about it when I see so many friends who are pregnant or have little ones...it's hard not to think about it when I turn on the TV and see a commercial or show about having a baby. I feel like this is something that directly attacks an innate, divine desire God places within a woman. It's just so hard...so, if you read this, please pray for me and pray for Ryder as well. God has really used this time to strengthen us and our marriage, but we are also having to deal with some very scary, heartbreaking possible realities.
We are so thankful for the support we've received from family, friends and professors. God has blessed us so much with a community of Christ-following believers who are fervently praying for us. We're so blessed <3
Lots of Love,
LEW
Friday, December 2, 2011
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6 comments:
My heart just aches. I am praying hard for you both!!! <3
-Bonnie
Up until a few months ago, it appeared I would never be able to carry children. Just as I was starting to face this crushing "reality", God sent us this little miracle, completely out of the blue. I'm praying that Ryder's health problems will be resolved quickly, but remember that ALL things are possible with the Lord!
Love you girl! And you too Ryder! Thank you for letting us share in your journey. Josh Kelley sang a song last night from his album called Naleigh Moon, that he wrote for his daughter that they adopted from Korea. You know my heart for adoption, and it was everything I could do to keep from bawling right there in the concert. Thank GOD that He introduced the concept of Adoption for us! Praise God that He is working His miracle out for you and you can't even imagine what to ask for! How can we face these things and survive without the complete knowledge that we rest in the arms of our God! Love you so much!!
Thank you all for your encouragement! After writing this, I've had a lot of family and friends reach out with their support and I am so thankful. I've also had some wonderful time with God and my husband to think about what God is doing and what He is stirring within our hearts and lives. God is definitely using this time for growth and that is the biggest blessing of all...to come to know Him more and His desire for our life as Mr. & Mrs. Walton. Thank you so much for your prayers and I ask for continued prayers.
Lots of Love,
LEW
I completely feel you on this post! I have hypothyroidism, which makes it so much harder to become pregnant. I also have always had a desire to be a mother. I never really wanted a career, just to be a mom. When we found out that I had thyroid problems, it was like a rock in the face. I prayed and prayed that God's will be done, but that if He saw it fit, to bless us with a child of our own one day. After almost a year a trying for a baby, we were finally pregnant, and well, you know the end of that cute story. :) After the birth of Natalee, my thyroid sky-rocketed into levels 2 different doctors had never seen before. So, I tell you all of this to let you know that we are back in the "infertile" boat, and that I can understand what you are going through. It is rough, and it does seem like everyone (and their dogs) are pregnant. I will just encourage you to keep diving into the Word, and leaning on Him for answers, which I know you do. Adoption is such a beautiful thing, if it comes to that. Just know that He knows the plans that He has for us, and will make them known in His perfect timing. Until then, I will continue to pray for Ryder's health and your emotions.
Thank you, Krystole! Ryder has hypothyroidism too but there is something else going on also. We don't know what that is just yet, but something within that same system of his body is causing no hormones to be produced at all. Thank you for sharing that with me and we definitely are continually praying about it and studying the Word. Being in the Word makes life so much better :) I believe that God will bless us with a least one biological child, but the rest might come through adoption! Who knows? All I know is that I can't wait to be a mommy and share that with Ryder, who will be a FANTASTIC daddy! :D
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